I had this tingly “light bulb moment” today.

It may seem like a “duh” revelation to you when I say it out loud. (I think it’s one of those ideas we believe in our minds but have trouble getting into our emotional centers.)

Here it is:

“What other people think” isn’t simply something we shouldn’t give a great deal of weight to.

It’s, very literally, the least important thing there is.“

Think about it, for a moment, in relation to yourself.

How much energy have you spent over your lifetime stressed out over what people think regarding questions like:

How do you look? Are you worthy of love or respect or admiration? Are you a good person, a nice person, a smart person? Are you a good parent, child, sibling, employee, neighbor, citizen? Are you trustworthy, reliable, professional? Do those pants make your ass look big?

You get the idea.

It’s as if the whole world has a score card and every time others so much as behold you strolling past, you’re getting a score. And most of the time you pretty much suck, right? In all categories.

What a weight we’ve placed on ourselves before we’ve even walked out the door. Why the hell would we do that?

To want to be liked, approved of, thought well of … these seem like universal human desires, don’t they? But if we take a minute and calculate the cost of this ego-driven wish, it’s pretty clear that it’s not just a useless quandary—it’s positively toxic, and it’s time we finally jettison it forever.

Easier said than done. Yes. Don’t I know it.

Still, just the idea that it might be possible to get this joy-killing, hyper critical, demon monkey off your back … doesn’t it make your soul feel lighter?

Truth is, very few people actually give a damn about how you look (or any of those other things I listed). So, you can automatically scratch eight billion or so earthlings off your list of people to try to impress.

What about the handful of people who do care, the ones who may actually be evaluating you and your life?

How they evaluate you is a reflection on them, not you. Your self-worth never has depended, and never will depend, on what “they” think.

Only you can determine if someone’s criticism has any merit (in which case, you can adjust if that seems appropriate) or if they are full of shit (in which case you can ignore them and hope they find better things to do than be a judgmental ass).

None of this should be shocking or new to us. But it seems hard to truly live free of the burden of wanting everyone to think we’re just dandy in every way. I know it is for me.

The one person on the planet whose evaluation of you really matters is, of course, you. Most of the time, it’s your voice doing the real work of self-condemnation, you’re doing a ventriloquist act–putting your thoughts of self-disapproval in the heads of the rest of the world.

First forgive, love, and approve of yourself right now, wherever you are in life. Then take a serious look at your personal shit. Be gentle with yourself. Fix what you can in ways and at a pace that you can handle. Equally critical, accept what can’t be fixed. All the while keeping up with the forgiving, loving, and approving.

It’s your (and my) life’s work, so we need to be patient.

I’ve added a new mantra to my playlist for those times when I find myself fretting over how someone is going to perceive me. I said it right at the beginning. But I offer it again at the end and ask you (if it’s your struggle too) to consider putting it in your self-talk playlist.

“What other people think” is, very literally, the least important thing there is.

There. Now, let’s try to gently move the idea from our brains to our hearts.

Peace, friends.